Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
