my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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