Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
