I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
