I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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