so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
