So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
