she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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