dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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