i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
