Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
