I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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