found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
