My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
