apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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