He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You ruined the universe
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
