I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
