i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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