Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
