I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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