i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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