Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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