I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
