Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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