First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
