i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
