xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
