If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
