All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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