I cannot find my penis.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
