she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
