Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
