yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
