put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What drink are we having for lunch?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
