There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
