wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
