Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
