I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
