Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
