omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
