Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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