his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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