I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
