I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
