Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
