I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
