I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
