I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
How external is "for external use only"?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
