the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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