I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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