Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
